Return to healthy lifestyle

Yup, today I have urge to send him recipes I saw online, or when I feel like cooking something delicious I thought of him. His always the first person I thought of to share nice things with, and sometime horror online news. Now his gonna join gym, and his gonna move on and forget about me, making new friends and be easily influenced.

Ever since I started smoking, I am not sure if my cyst was caused by smoking but somehow I felt it was. Recently it swelled up again and this time round it wasn't subsiding like it used to. I seen the doctor yesterday and the doctor gave me an injection and also prescribed me augmentin 1g. But I believe I be heal in the goddess name. So I decided to quit smoking, today is the second third day I am not smoking, praise the goddess! And I have realise one thing, when I have urge to smoke is usually I am lonely, bored, or excited, anger or upset, somehow I realise it was the emotion that when I felt I couldn't handle them I start smoking. It also a way to let me take a break and have time in my own space. Or find a excuse to leave the house.

When I want to smoke, I will just think about sometime it gave me headache, irritate my throat and caused my cyst to swell，and I will stop.

And of cos I know those people who so called liked me just want to have sex with me, is like how many of them will wish me a speedy recovery? A few nice one does and some are genuine concern and some aren't. I know who are the good ones.

I have decided to live a healthy lifestyle now. And I am happy to do that. Currently I am waiting for my mung bean soup to cook, as it detox and cleanse the body which I needed it. Glad I have Netflix to company me, I am watching my crazy ex girl friend a drama which were so hilarious, dramatic and funny!

又是一个狂风暴雨的夜

I feel depressed today. He can give his heart so easily to someone in such a short period of time. While I have given him all my heart for one year plus. Does this one year plus meant nothing to him? I have learned that such thing has no reason, there are no why. So I no longer ask myself. When ever I needed him the most he is not there. But when he needed me the most I am always there.

I remember the first time we met was the day I walked under the rain. That time was just like today. The emotion was the same. After knowing him, I saw hope, I was happy again. Being with him wasn't easy from the start, but I have learned to compromise Him, embrace his good and his bad. I had given him all my heart.

Sometime I feel life is difficult, no one understand how I feel. No one can understand my pain. What I am going through in life.

Why I never say good bye in my text

He never knows how I feel. He will never know. Looking at our photos, and some of the photo i took for him while he was singing, while he was eating... he just never know.
I may have not met his expectations, but he have already forgotten when I look for him, I always make sure to send him to his door step.

I got this morning depression again, I woke up exactly the same time every morning by myself without the alarm ringing. That depressive and miserable feeling will start at this point of time. He may think I am stupid, why I still stick to him no matter how many times he cheated or how many times the things he does that hurts me, because I accepted him and embraced him. At that very first time when I kneel down and gave him the flowers, I have already decided I will be with this person and will never let go... unless he wants me to leave and no longer needs me.

I texted him this morning, and he insisted to end it. He no longer needs me anymore. Every time when he said "good bye lao gong" I will always "replied "hello lao po". I said that because I always hope and wish that I will never need to leave him in anyway, I will never need to leave him behind..I will never need to say good bye.
But today I replied him good bye. Because he wants me to go.

I guess I will never have the chance to be the first to wish him nor to celebrate with him because he already have someone who replaced me. So I wished him in advance today.

I am always afraid to forget him, but now I have to.

Death of a relationship

When I am in a relationship, I don't easily fall into another person. Even if how many times my partner did wrong to me, I will always forgive and compromise. Even if opportunity come to me, I will reject it and never forsake my relationship and start a new one, because if I do, what does this relationship meant to me?

For me my own theory was whatever reason he brought up, those weren't the main reason. The real reason was that he has fallen for him.

Even if I contacted him on last Saturday or Sunday, even if we reconcile that time, he will still continue seeing that guy, keeping me in the dark and it really make no difference. And for the reason why he liked him, deep in me I know the answer and I shall not mention here. But definitely there's nothing to do with me.

Its really hard for me to change into someone who will take relationship lightly, because I don't easily fall in love or out of love. For this two betrayed experience or a few I can say that i had have, it will not change me to someone else who treat relationship lightly.

I will open myself to opportunity. One door closes and new door opens.

Today my sight became so bright in a sudden, and this feeling seems nice, I guess I have awaken from my own hindrance.

 The relationship have died, and I mourn for it. Not because I still wish or hope to continue it, but the death of it. I will never stick to someone who fallen for another person nor someone who no longer loves me.

I will give my heart to someone who really needs it, someone who really needs me, someone who truly loves me.

Moving on

If you were attached with someone, and this person cheated on you so many time and you forgiven him, but when you found out that he went behind your back dating someone and decided to try it out with him and let go of this 1 year plus relationship how would you feel?

After reading his lovey dovey msg with that guy I was surprised how much his into that guy and he still monitoring his movement.

I am letting go this time.

He has someone

I wokeup very early today, didn't sleep well, cos I did missed him. But I don't think he miss me anymore as he have someone new and he will be the one spending quality time with him and his birthday. If he Is not dating anyone he will be texting me or calling me already.

I Guess his enjoying with his new date now.

If he isn't going to give up on him, and contact me by today, my feeling for him will slowly fade into the mist.

心灰意冷

I believe that he met someone on Hari Raya. When I texted him at 4.30pm that time I was going to ask him out, though I said I wanted to save money and eat home I didn't mention that I am not meeting him. Though I said I didn't want to celebrate his bday but do you think I really won't? If his really angry with me that time he would have reacted earlier and not just went missing for 13 hours without replying me or calling me back. And I know him too well, he will at least quarrel with me before disappearing, but it didn't happen. The next day he just used this reason as an excuse.

I believe he have known someone new, maybe even earlier then that. In the past I can always forgive him even if he cheated or betrayed me as I find those were meaningless encounter. But for this incident which he went missing for 13 hours, I believe he had met someone and spend the time with him til the next day, and I believed he liked this someone else he won't spend such quality time with him.

He had forgotten the time when he got into the car accident, who was the first one who rushed there for him beside his parents. I even stayed there longer then his parents and accompanied him until he sleep.

真是令我心灰意冷。

To him  relationship is like a job and can be replaced anytime.

The time we have had became nothing.

一切成了泡影。

Loving someone whole heartedly

If you found someone who love you more then you love him, when you found someone who forgives you in all that you do, if you found someone who loves you whole heartedly, if you found someone who sticks to you no matter what happens, treasure it and cherish him.

Fun, sex, play, you can find it anywhere, any place any time.. But true love you can't find it anywhere, especially you found someone who loves you deeply and love you whole heartedly. Not all people in our community seek relationship, not all people can treats you the way the one who loves you whole heartedly does. If you met someone who does, you should know what you should do.

We should treasure the one who truly love and never take them for granted.

Working things out

For me I can't just ignore what happened and move on of the situation and continue to spend time together. This issue is not addressed. If I were to just ignore of what happened, and don't settle it, even if we continue and treat things did not happen, this problem is still there, and will always be there. His said he was sorry it's his fault, but I don't think he meant it. If he does, when I try to talk about his issue, he will not make it like my problem again. It became I am the problem. I can't be with someone who always never will address his own issue. And make others the issue. I can't continue like this.

Like I said I wouldn't want a open relationship if he does not find mb behind me. But yet he can push all this back to me. How to be together with someone who can't even not be defensive for once, just accept the fact that he is wrong? Coming back to the hitting part, what makes a person have the right to hit him and injured him just because he ignore him? It's a criminal offence and yet he think he is right. Everything he do he will always one to be the right one and others are all wrong.

How am i going to continue or why should I continue being with him when he never will want to address this issue at all? Yes he is caring, he is commited. But when there is a issue, he just like to surpass it and ignore it and treat it as nothing happened and not going to talk about it. This will just keep on and on and we will never stop quarrelling until he face the fact that this issue be addressed.

If he want to said its my own issue, then he should find someone who always ignore and run away with problem.

I will not be with him until he is willing to accept that his willing to face his own issue and work it out with me by listening to what I have to say and not taking all my words as a Attack and becoming defensive all and again.

Turn to foam~

I went to the gym today. Though my thoughts is all about him, there's no use of thinking anymore. Today is third day of the full moon, I decided to spend my time with the goddess tonight. Bought milk and flowers as usual. Thinking about everytime my prayers relate to my relationship. Everyday I prayed that my relationship will survive and strive but somehow my prayers have not been answered. Maybe it was meant to be.

Upon returning home, I greeted the trees and the wind as usual, seems like my day have back to the usual routine. Taking the lift to level 10 where is live, I open the door of the exit staircase where I usually smoke and think about things there, I found my private space there. When his face pop up in my mind, the first time seeing him waited for me at mos burger, I cried. While I am writing this I am crying too. I cried because I morn. I morn the death of this relationship. I just kept asking myself why? Why will his interest in me faded, has turn to foam and evaporated。

I no longer can stick to him anymore.

He blocked me again. I don't want it anymore. I know I had tried my best. I can't sleep well every night this days. Especially we crossed the line last Saturday. I do feel weird now. He told me he promised me he will not leave me no matter what. But he blocked me again this time. And I tell myself this is the last time for me now. Gd bye, u will nv see me again. I feel depressed actually ever night especially since that day. My depression is killing me

过界

今天我拿起了勇气和他过了界线。因为我知道如果我不那么做，也许我们彼此都不会面对我们终有的问题。在那段时间，我心中的野性出现了，也许这就是我本来就有的魔性冲不表喽出来。我们变的跟了解对方的喜好。过后我希望他会真心告诉我他内心里音长多年的秘密。

以前我很保守，也不赞同这些做法，不过我想了许多，许多的事冲不能解决。我很爱他，也决定想要和他做他喜欢的事，所以我决定面对，也和他面对我们彼此共有永久的问题。也释放了我心中的魔。

...

He blocked me the whole day. By right I m planning to go over today. If the morning msg I send wasn't true he will just said crazy laogong. He rather choose to block me whole day. Once he blocked my whole day and his alone at home, very clearly u know what happens from his history. Since he want to block me, from this moment I am not going to call Nor text him already. I am sure he is meeting someone at his place now else he won't block me until now. Since he wants to do this to me, I don't bother anymore. And when Tmr comes it will be too late

I feel depress

I feel very sad. I am not going to work today. I feel depress to know u don't love me anymore. U don't love me as much as I loved u. You just want to leave like this. Easily let go of me.

Star dust

When I feel that I am not needed anymore I will leave. Since he is determined to leave me, and told me he don't love me as much as before as he prefer to do the things he likes. Yup he loved himself more, I Guess all along he have, just that he do not notice only. I gave myself a final try this morning, so I know I will have no regrets without even trying. I have a feeling someone at the same time tells him about the negative sides too.

It's a pity of what we have had became nothing now. If he loves me he will wait for me to do the things he likes together. Yup he loves himself more then i loved him.

When he told me we are both very negative, I don't really agree that part, but of cos I know there's no point for me to say so much now.

Now I no longer feel needed,  my natural instinct and reaction is to live by myself now, await for one who will need me, one who need my love to give.

I will forget about what we have had,  and forget about him. When time have make me forget about him, my love for him will disappear.

A shinning beam in the sky
Which ran across my eyes
When it's about to land
I grab it with my hands
For that moment I thought
That it was something I got
But the star faded so fast
That the star had turned to dust


Our love is just like star dust.

Two Memories but One that Live

The night had swallowed me whole
Shall I keep this love or withhold.
Silly me waiting for thee,
To tell me thy love me.

Both memories but one that live
I know I am weak in this
I do not need luxury things
I am just a simple me

I used to fly myself in fire
For my heart desire
As I have charmed by thee
But silly me waiting for thy promise

A Lonely person, a lonely song
Thee do not know my persistant
A lonely song who shall sing with me
How long is this journey

Since when did we stop asking
Of how are thee and me
A lonely person, a lonely song
Time seems like passed long

Mixed feelings

I Guess you don't love me anymore. If u do you will not have went staycation with someone. I don't do staycation with anyone, unless I liked the person. All I need is you will tell me everything in the future about your life. I think you have made your decision, else u would have text me, called me and you will pickup my call or my videocall.

Sometime it felt like a falling star, once shimmered and passed so quickly, with an blink of eyes, and it became empty. Like a fading star from afar, I only can look at it from the horizon and it slowly turn to dust.

Freedom is what I want now. When a relationship changes, it's never gonna be the same again. I know new opportunities had came in between our rls. Our rls became a trial an error. That's why i like to solve things imediately. But since it's already happened, then I just have to accept this uncontrollable changes. And embrace.

My insecurity

You already joined the japan class. I Guess things will nv be the same again.

Just now I thought of u. I missed the past.

U liked young guys... Which I didn't know at all. If u have told me from the start, I won't feel bad about it now.

Maybe I really dunno you that well at all. There's so many things I dunno about you.

So manythings you did not tell me previously. And it was slowly I got to know.

Everything which have accumulated makes me very insecure.

Blocking and ending~

At this moment, at this hour, at this time and in this space.. when he blocked me, I have decided to set myself free. There's no need to say anything to him anymore. I have stick to him the time when he did the worst to me, the hitting, the cheating, the lieing, the verbal abuse to my late mother and etc...all of this i have torlerated and compromised. And he can tell me I can't compromise him for the japan trip?

At this moment, I am free.

我决定回到原来的自己回到原点。

4 May 2018 Month of Taurus
17.10pm Time of Jupiter
Friday Day of Venus
Lunar 19 Waning Moon

不舍得的感情

我不舍得这份感情，但是就算我不舍得，就算我努力，我还是得不到他的全心全意。就算我放弃了那些事，他还是没有放弃他们。我已经努力过了，我觉得不管我有多努力，他也不会全心全意的爱我对待我。

我要开始在学着爱自己多一次了。

Choose between the new or the old, You just want the best of both

I wish you have give up the people you newly met or know. I wish you have been honest to me from the start. we will be happy and there will be no more things that drift us apart. But until now...you choose to hide things from me, you choose to secure this people instead of our relationship. Until now, you still want the best of both world. The things you told me before was a lie. You told me once you are attached you will stay loyal and not meet mb anymore. You told me you won't meet people if we are together. But the things you do and said were a different thing.

I have given up this things for you, but you continue to choose to secure what you have. You love yourself more really. And I am starting to love myself more now. I told you before... Once I feel that I have tried my best and you still doing the same things, I won't give up anything for you too nor will I be honest to you again. When I can't be honest to my partner, I don't feel good anymore. By leaving you is the best for you. Since you need them so much then me, I let you continue to and I will go. You can tell that I no longer call you now nor pickup your call. Because I think this is the best for you to do the things you like and be with the people you want to. Do not tell me you want me 'only', your action did not show at all since the beginning until to date. Commitment and want me 'only' is a different thing. Because since the chalet until the MB, until the telegram, until the text: "Why you use sim not plan" already is showing you do not want me "only" but you want everything that you liked. You want not just me.

I know what I want. A relationship that is honest to one another, sincere and loyal with each other. When you can't have this quality I mentioned, I can't provide this quality to you too. When I can't, I don't know how to continue this relationship with you anymore.

My Heart is broken

My heart is broken. After he told me he attached with someone new. I feel like crying now. Deep in my heart cracks, and deep in me I am crying badly. I can't be with him anymore. When I really give up in a relationship, is when I am not needed, not loved and also when my partner attached with someone new. This is a painful process for me. And this is not the first time. I will do anything now to forget him.

You are so cruel to me. So heartless to me. all because I hanged your call and you do that to me. Everytime I forgive you, I stick to you, even when you hit me, found mb, scold me, I always forgive you and loved you. I loved you so much and you told me you attached with someone new. While I am typing my feelings here in the office, tears is accumulating in my eyes. Trying to hold back my tears. Now I know what we have had wasn't real. I loved you so much and you treated me like this just because I hanged your call, and just because of my insecurities, and you did this to hurt me. I still thought we could have something on 18th April the day we first met at mos burger. And 4th June will be our one year being together. You gave up our love just like this with someone.

I hope the Goddess will standby me. Keep me strong, and my love for you will disappear.

A lie to another lie

Today I found out his seeing someone. He never admit to me again. How am I going to be honest to you if you have been never honest to me from the start we are together until now. I have been honest to you from the start, but my honesty will be lesser each time you lied. How can I be honest to you when you aren't to me. You know whatever you do I will forgive you but you choose not to tell me. I can be honest to you if you will start to be honest to me now.

9.44pm

I finally saw him online, but i am afraid to text him. I am afraid that he will tell me that he no longer want me. I did not call him because I fear that I may hear that blocked voicemail speaking back to me which makes my heartache. I can only type it here. I miss u dearly. How I wish we could overcome it and be happy together. I feel miserable not to talk to you and texting you. I wish we could text each other and call our dearly names again. I am sorry I make you unhappy.

4:03PM

Lunch time I went to the temple again today. I got a divination lot asking if we still have the chance to be together. The lot told me this was a difficult moment and situation i am facing, and it is useless to be worrying or feeling upset. The lot tells that this difficulty will settled by its own when the times come, and everything will go smoothly and easy after.

I suddenly miss the time having vidcall with you...

I can't denied that I misses you. You have already blocked all my contacts. There are no other ways to contact you anymore. The only way is to type out whatever I am feeling here.

I am sorry I shouldn't micmic you using tumblr to make you angry...

Please don't leave me...

I kept going whatsapp to see if you are online. But you still blocked me... I guess you don't love me anymore.

伤心难过痛心

为什么你要这样子对我！？ 为什么！？

I guess you are happy without me now.

第一天的犹豫

I guess you have found someone. Just because I only wanted you to know how it feels if I used tumblr. I always forgive you even what you did with the MB, but you treated me this way now.
I feel very depressed today. You just ignore me and block me like this, 你真的对我很狠心。你知道你这样对我，很伤害我吗？你就这样狠心的和我分手。就因为我和你一样用了那个Tumblr你要这样对我？为什么你不想那时你和那个Escort作的事？为什么你现在又对我如此？为什么？

我的心很痛。你不会知道我的心现在有多痛。

你舍得

想不到你可以舍得放弃我们的感情。 我舍不得的你都舍得了。

一切就像泡沫一样的在一瞬间消失了。

再也看不到了。

A simple vidcall

You don't even understand how I feel. You don't understand what I am going through at all. Even i loved you, I Wan you to do this simple thing to just make me feels better but you can't do it. It doesn't take $150 at all, Nor it takes a lot of time to do. It's just a simple videocall at a selected time. I Guess you are the one who loved yourself more, else you wouldn't wanted to enjoy by paying to be pleasured.  You have not notice that I have loved you more then myself. Else I wouldn't have called you, Nor will I try to save this relationship. If I have loved myself more, as for others who love themself more they will leave you, and so will you if u were in my shoes. May be because you know that I loved you a lot, and you know that whatever you do I will always stick with you. Even if I do, you don't care about how I feel. If u do, you won't have find that mb in the first place. If you do, you will do what I suggested and try to makes me feel better. But you are not doing anything but only by saying sorry. An only Sorry is not going to totally help me to feel all better. You don't even bother to help me to be heal by just simple videocall.

I still loves you

I feel so down today. I didn't go to work today.
I feel so down to know that you no longer love me. Why did I ask you is because I still loved you. But I know there's nothing I can do and I know I can't see you again. I feel depressed. When I wokeup today I thought and wished everything was a dream. The whole day you were in my mind. Even u have done it with him but deep in me I have already forgiven you. I just want to be with you. But you told me you don't love me anymore, and that's the truth. I can't change it at all. I can only take time to accept this fact. I Guess you be happier without me. I know I am stupid, but I can't denied the fact that I loved you. My true feeling is I still loves u. But you don't anymore. I can only find ways to accept this.

Last night I kept waking up to check if you texted me, but you didn't. You know I missed you calling me laogong. I misses your morning greetings. Everytime I looked forward for 5.30pm and looked for your text at that time, because that's the time we were plan to meet. Now is 6pm. I Guess this will never happen again.

Do you know why I still look forward for your text? Because I still loves you and that's the fact. But my heart is so painful now knowing that you don't love me anymore. I really loves you, no matter what u did I will always forgive you. Even if I said those angry words it's just because I was angry. It's just normal for me to be angry over what had happened. I am just a human.

I will miss our weekend, cooking together, looking at you sleep, tickling your nose when you were and kissing your lips when you were asleep.


I feel so emotionally down now.

I am just a fool

I couldn't sleep at all. I couldn't sleep well this time round. You told me you don't love me, and u even said who knows I meet others.. This words really hurt me. I feel depress. I felt being treated like a fool. I feel horrible. You already don't love me when you let that mb... i am just a fool.

心痛了

今天是一个不好受的日子。身体上还有我的心。发生这事过后，你才决定告诉我真相。其实在21日二月晚上你有了那个不好的欲望，你因该告诉我，让我制止你就好了。不过你的欲望对我给你的爱被这给盖住了。如果世界上每个每次都会有如果，事情就不会变成这样复炸。我为什么每次都提醒你，每次罗里罗说的告诉你，是因为我要保护我们的安全，保护我们的感情。尽然事情发生了就没办法改变。其实这个对我来说不是个大事，it will be healed. 谁让会恢复，不过我的心就不知道了。

我的心感到好难受。一想到你和他成为一体就让我觉得好难受。想到自己的男友给别人。。。想不到我们的爱变成那么的小，那么的微小。今天在外面，我的心已在流泪，我的心好痛好痛。在写道这个痛的同时泪水已留下了我的脸颊。我的心很不好受。

我不知道该如何继续爱了。。。

我知道我要面对现实，面对着背叛，面对这个伤痛。

我告诉知己要冷静思考，冷静的想，不要让我的情绪音响我的判断力。
我的情绪现在很不稳固。。。我需要时间冷静。

今晚我睡不着。。。我好难过，好难过。。。我只想把窗口关起来，关掉电灯。。。一个人在一个角落。。。

我还记得那时候我梦到我的妈妈问我，我会幸福吗？我告诉他我很幸福别担心。
我每次受到了委屈我就好想好想妈妈。好想告诉她😢