What can I do? I have no right to call u Laopo anymore.

I am afraid to forget you, I am afraid that what we have had disappear. There's so much fear in me. I am not forcing you, I only wish you will be with me and call me laogong again. But I fear that even so you won't treat me the same anymore. You told me you care for yourself more now, it makes me feel that u no longer care about me. I really care about you more then caring about myself but you just never notice it. I know u like to sit window seat bus and I always stand and make sure you take the inner seat. When we have staycation, I know u don't like to sleep near the window, and I will sleep there, only sometime I feel it's safer for you not to sleep near the toilet. When I come find you, I always insist to walk you home to your door step because I know u dislike to walk alone in the dark. When you were deep asleep, I will cover blanket for you. And there are many more which I not sure if you notice it. Sometime when I wanted to send you home but you did not want me to. Maybe you didn't notice all this small little things I did for you.

I was really afraid of you forgetting me, not coming back to me, moving on and what we have had disappear. I have no right to care for you anymore, nor have I the right to bother you. I can only pour my feelings here. You will never know how much you mean to me. I kept reading your msg you send to me today, I kept repeating reading it so many times, thinking will you come back to me? Will you treat me the same as before? Do you still feel the same way like you used to.

I do not dare to think positively that you will, because I am afraid, afraid of what is to be opposite.

I think of you Everyday, every hour, every minutes, every second. I want to text you so much telling you I love you, wishing you will come back to me, wanting to beg you, but I don't have any right to do that now. I feel miserable.

This afternoon before you texted me, I wanted to tell you enjoy your lunch, I don't dare to text with you afraid that we may become friends instead. Looking at the clock, 5.30pm... That's the time I usually text you and we will meet after. 8.30am is the time where I am at the bus stop, greeting you "good morning Laopo 😘😘😘😘. You know I really miss you. I feel heartache when I know I couldn't do that anymore. Everytime I will video call you, or even call you to talk to you, but all this I can never have it again.

The first day~

I am on my way to work now. Now I know why I had that bad feeling previously, and the dragonfly is a transition. I prayed to Mother goddess to be by my side in my most difficult time. Fear is inside me, but I will try to embrace my fear and conquer it.

Last night I received your call, and you told me to have our own cooling period and do our own things. You texted me like a Friend and refused to call me laogong. It makes me feel so confused. I told you to text me when u will call me laogong again, unless you have someone now and you can ignore me, Nor reply me, Nor texts me, Nor should you pity me. I decided not to contact you in our cooling period, I believe if you still love me, you will text me and call me laogong again just like before.

For me a relationship working out or not doesn't mean it doesn't workout because of quarrel Nor disagreement. It's about forgiveness. As we have started too fast and at the same time our relationship has only been six months, surely there will be improvement over the time. Each and everyone relationship is never the same. Especially Aj ones. I know I am very controlling, but I Will take time to loosen it when times passes, I understand everyone have their own limit, and I have too. I recalled my past five years relationship, to think back if I was so controlling like now, infact I was in the first year. I recalled that slowly I wasn't that controlling anymore, and we lasted for five years. But I Guess not every one have the same limitation to give me time.

I never sleep well last night, woke up a couple of times and unable to get back to sleep. It feels like I am sick, the kind of feeling a person have when they are ill. Waking up and prepare myself back to work, going to face reality again.

And you know one thing, I don't want to just be friend.

At lunch time:
I am sitting at kiliney now, and read the text you have send me this morning. I don't know how many times I have read it...can say I really read a lot of times. I am thinking what you're thinking when you wrote this text to me. I know this text was suppose to let me know what you want and at the same time let me understand why. But each moment when I read about the text saying your heart became hardon not to come back to me... I was thinking if u are telling me you are not coming back to me. When you said you wished I have been more supportive, does it mean you still wish I will be more supportive in the future or wished that I were more supportive before?
I decided to ask you and you told me is in the future. When I read that, I felt there's hope.
Since it was a cooling period which you requested I will respect it.

After Lunch:
When I ask you haven't address me as lao gong, you said you don't want and you are sorry. I asked does that mean you want to end it and you said yes... you are sorry. I asked why you said in future you wish that I can let you do the things you want to do, then you told me because you care about yourself more now.
I told you ok and I respect your decision. You have been telling me you love yourself more now, and this is why you took so long this time. You told me I will find someone better then you and you said you are sure I will. I said thanks and you too.

Controlling

...I was controlling because I fear of losing you and because I love you too much.

lovesick

When u told me Pokemon was the game u found that can play with me. I didn't said u can't play at all. U too promised me to play with me and not by yourself. You admit u love your self more now... And I had love u more then myself. If I put all this ahead of you, I will not let u delete those pic u dislike me to post on Fb, and I would have continue to post the things I like to post which u dislike me to do. I have really make adjustment for you, even though it may seems too little for u, u may not realise Nor notice Nor it may not seem to be enough for you. I used to gym three times per week, but I only gym once a week now, not because is due to your dislike, is because I myself want to spend time with you and you just don't know it. i an just saying don't have to play it every single day, every hours mins Nor second. I still want some moments with you, and you only. I am sorry I can't satisfy you. And u have loved yourself more now. There's nothing I can said Nor do already. I really miss those time spending quality time with you without interference.
I enjoyed those days cooking with you and cooking for you. And I was happy u enjoyed those quality time and doing quality things together. It sadden me when you told me you shouldn't have bought those ingredients for me to cook which make you miss your Pokemon raid.

I miss you... You know? I miss u very much... I feel agnonising without you being with me. I miss you badly do you know that? What can I do now? i kept dreaming of you last night, the whole day I was thinking about you. I miss you dearly.

What can I do? I can't do anything now. You love yourself more now.
Do you know not getting your call as usual Nor your text makes my heart sink? Do you know how agonising it is to not to hear from you or not see you just one day? It makes me depress to think that I may not see you again, or you love me differently now. I feel agonising. I feel so down now...

I am having love sick now...

The coldness of the night

I feel very sick today. Feeling moodless to do anything. I went to see a doctor today by myself even I m feeling feverish. Just took medicine and hope to have a good rest which I didn't had last night. Everything is like a dream. When u open ur eyes it's gone. I dunno how to describe my deepest emotion. Sometime I use my heart to think instead of my brain. Tonight is a cold night and I felt cold. I have learn to took care of myself ever since my mum passed on few years ago. I lay on my bed the whole time today, my body have rejected me. Laying down on my bed, looking out at the window beside me now, the dark sky... The coldness of the night, is how I am feeling now.

Sadness overwhelmed me again.

I lost everything dearly to me

I am sorry that I shouted at you.This was the first time I did that. It was the quitting smoking syndrome really. I got mood swing from it and it effected me.

This time I really lost you. I Guess today I lost everything that is dearly to me.

I bought my ciggerette just now and I don't think I am quitting it at the moment.

I am never good for a relationship. I am not going to download any app now.

I Guess I will be alone. No one will love me for who I am. You don't love me anymore because I shouted at you. But when you shouted at me in the past does it mean you don't love me at all? I know I loved you very much, but you don't love me now. You said I disgust you and maybe that's the truth.

I think I am going to breakdown soon.

I just drink one table spoon of cough syrup, I hope it can make me sleep... And I am not sure I can sleep anymore. I don't feel like cooking my rice for my lunch Nor dinner anymore. All I need is you.

I will keep you in my heart. And I know I will miss you.