Another betrayal

Today I found out he had fun with many people..I was furious but I don't feel sad, I guess because this isn't a new thing to me. Again my controlling and possessive self appear, and I told him to block all this people who he had fun with and also tell him to text them we are attached. I did not cry at all, cos I experience this before. I just feel sad for myself that I couldn't find someone better after my first ex. But still comparing him to my last ex, I think my last ex is better at least he find mb with good quality, not like him anyone also can. Yes I do have feeling for him, else I won't ask him to block this people. But I guess my feeling wasn't that much else I would have cried, or maybe because I been through this too many times in my past relationships.
I think I really grew up alot. I am very proud of myself that I can handle my emotion better now comparing last year. I told myself never to cry again for relationship and I didn't. For me I love myself more like before. Everything now I think about myself first, especially after what I went through in life. Yes life is not easy, so I shouldn't let relationship become another problem for me. Tonight I will take sometime to absorb what happens today. Yes I know single is still the best for me with no emotional attachment. By right I shouldn't and wouldn't have emotional attachment to him. But then I did after his the first person who came from all the others potential. But after today my feelings faded alittle. I find that he has very low iq compare to normal  people, his easily bullied and taken advantage of by people, but at the same time he likes attention and even more flirtatious then me. It's not that I mind his iq level, it's just that he still have fun with all the wrong people, and worst is that W C who he had fun with. And this W c guy can even tell me he doesn't care about what I said and will still continue have fun with him. I never see such thick skinned people before. Of cos I have my way not to let him contact him again. I did asked him will he be happy and he said he will cos he said I was the first person to be so concerned for him. But to me I let him make a choice, freedom or me and he chooses me. But the decision isn't up to him to decide, is up to me. Because I do not want history to repeat again and go thru such toxicity that makes me unhappy. Plus I don't know how to protect him if he continues to allow this people to take advantage of him. I don't know how to protect him from this people who ask him for money and also use him for pleasure. Yes I want to protect him but I am not sure how long I can.

I am glad I know one thing in life, which is magick, which is the only thing that comfort me and strengthen me.

Day after my surgery

Last Thursday I went to work even though I was in unbearable pain as the lump below my lower back near my tail bone had became larger
 I couldn't sleep the previous night and the pain killer panadien couldn't stop the pain. Even I was in so much pain I still forced myself to work to clear the things I needed to. Before lunch time, I went to the wash room to have a check and I notice the lump has became even bigger, it's bigger then a ping pong ball, much larger, I couldn't walk properly anymore even I try to walk normally. So I told my manager my situation and decided to go to the company doctor near my place. But before that I still endure the pain to finish my lunch quickly with Wilson my lunch buddy. I took a train and went to medivale clinic at yishun. The doctor reviewed me and she told me I need to go to the hospital. She wrote a memo for me and then I left the clinic. I know I will be admitted into the hospital, so I went home to prepare the things I needed, especially putting my spongbob in my bag I needed him to make me sleep. After preparing the things I need, I endured the pain and have my dish washed, make my bed and tidy my room.

At the hospital it was not very crowded and I was seen by the doctor about thirty mins later. I went to TTSH as they have my record over there. The doctor told me it's quite serious and I also had a fever. He told me I will need to be admitted as he can tell that the pain I am having is overwhelming. He told me I need a operation. I asked if they would take out the lump for me and he told me yes. I was thankful to have met the right doctor who would help me. He told me they will remove everything out for me and to hear that it was really a relieve to me. As previous doctor at the other hospital near my place does not want to remove the lump for me and this has became a serious problem for me over time.

After waiting for a long hours for a ward I finally have one. Before the nurses prepare to shift me, that boi came. I didn't expect him to come see me. All along I thought he wasn't serious, though Everytime he said he likes me and miss me, but this time round I see that he was genuine. He told me he was worried and needed to see me. He stayed with me for 15mins as its the standard time for visitor in observation room. I can tell he was tired from work and told him to go have his dinner and go back to rest.

I was shifted up to my ward and the nurse starts to IV needles and putting drip for me, injecting me with antibiotics and pain killer. I was in so much pain that night from the huge lump I have which I will never forget. That pain was unbearable, its the worst pain of my life. I was told to be fasted and to prepare for operation the next morning. I admitted myself alone and also I am going for the operation alone the next morning. I did not inform my father, but I did informed my elder sister but she was also admitted to hospital. So all in all I face this problem by myself and I was so proud of it. Because I have become a man I have become and without relying on anybody.

Next morning they dressed me up for the operation, it's like a robe with alot knot behind with me feeling very nude underneath. This wasn't the first time I experience this as the very first experience with anesthesia when I was 12 years old. They brought me to the operation table and I was attended by the nurses, the anesthesia doctor, and the surgeon. Very quickly I was injected with anesthesia and the nurses placed oxygen mask on my face and told me not to worry and breath deeply and that they will look after me. Moment later I was unconscious and fall into a very very deep sleep.

When I woke up I was in so much pain, I felt so drowsy and in a half asleep state. I told the doctor I was in pain, and the pain felt like before the surgery, I also told the doctor that there's a cut on my lips which were not supposed to be there before my operation. She assure me everything is ok and told me it might have been the Oxygen tube that was inserted to my throat that causes the cut on my lips. She told the nurse to apply something on my lips and imediately it felt numb, and also she injected me with fentanyl and after mins later my surgery pain was subsided. I was thankful that the doctor have eased my pain.

Thritg mins to an hour later after being observed and stabilized, they pushed me on my hospital bed back to my ward. This wasn't the first time with anesthesia, so I already prepared for the hangovers. The dizziness and giddyness makes me feel like vomitting which I endured it throughout. Because I know myself too well, if I start to vomit, it be terrible I will vomit non stop. The nurse gave me some anti vomitting pills and I rested on the bed for a very very long time, not to fall asleep but to stay awake to regain my conciousness. As sleeping makes me even more giddy. In the early evening I told the nurse I needed to pee, and they told me to pee in the bottle to prevent me from standing because the risk of falling is high as I was still very giddy. I couldn't pee laying back so the nurse let me to stand and pee and she was behind the curtain. Moments later I felt water dripping on my feet I thought it was my pee, and the water flow from my back all over to my legs and then I realise I was bleeding from my back wound. After I finish peeing then I told the nurse I was bleeding and she was shocked to see so much blood. This isn't the first time I see blood so I was ok with it. Moment later another nurse came and both of them managed to stop the bleeding by putting pressure on my wound. They helped me to bandage me and told me the doctor will come to check on me after their meeting is over. After a long time, the doctor came and checked my wound and he told me no need to worry as it's not bleeding anymore and the blood maybe due to the first operation.
At 3pm Chris came to visit me. He bought me tooth brush, very good tooth paste, and cataphil soap which I asked him because I forgotten to bring this items with me. I cannot don't brush my teeth nor not wash my face for one day nor my hair. I am thankful that he came at the same time brought free gifts to me. His the best of the best! We chatted for quite sometime and he left to attend a massage course.
That night I was sleeping with spongbob, smelling him as it makes me no longer dizzy and feels at home.

The third day Sunday, the nurses came to me and told me that I can be discharge in the afternoon and I was happy. The senior doctor came and checked my wound and told the doctor to help me stitch the inside as it's still bleeding. It was a open wound surgery and this wound will be left open until it close by itself. I have a very big hollow nice wound now...
After another waiting, two doctor came and the doctor instructed the junior doctor how to perform the stitches inside me and guided her. After that the rest be did it himself. I don't really like the junior lady doctor, when I asked if it's dripping blood, she sounded irritated saying "it's solution not blood" I was Abit annoyed. Anyway I prefer the guy doctor who did the rest of the stitches inside the wound for me as he answer all my questions and my doubt when he was stitching me and he will check on me if I was ok.
After the nurse dressed my wound, I changed to my own cloths and make sure I looked decent and able to face the world outside.  I went downstairs with the other patients who stayed together with me to collect our medicine. I can say I was lucky to stay with friendly people and also most of the nurses there was very very caring, they did a excellent job.
I packed my things and I was discharged and the nurses and patient waved me goodbye. I took a train back to yishun and went to ntuc to buy nutrients meat I need  for the day.
Being back home I thanked the goddess and my mum. Because they were the one I prayed to when I was faceing my most difficult time.
I placed the towels on my bed to prevent my blood from staining it on my bedsheet and I lay back, feeling so relieved from all the pain and suffering I had before the surgery, the after surgery pain is nothing compare to the pain before. Now I can walk, sleep, sit properly. And I had a wonderful nap.

Recovered from Depression

Yes I do have depression on and off. Previously I was depressed over my body, I wasn't satisfy. But I recovered from that negative thoughts. I went swimming recently and took a picture of myself at the pool recently. Having depression over the past days I have lost 3 kg. Cos when I am depressed I don't eat much. I know it's just a phase and next week I will be eating alot as usual and I know I be meaty beefy again haha.

My Journey

I quitted smoking since last year September 2018. Today was the seven months of not smoking. This morning I felt depressed, I don't know why...at the same time the smoking urge came up, it was very sudden. I just felt the urge to smoke and that I know it will uplift my mood. I was discussing this during lunch time with Wilson. Anyway, I took one stick from my office desk, two sticks which I left it here since last year 2018, I kept it knowing that one day I may really need this stick. I went downstairs and borrowed a lighter from a smoker and I light that one stick for myself. The moment I breath the fume into my throat, that moment I know I disliked smoking. At the same time it really did uplifted my mood. I know myself that this will not hook me up from chain smoking again. I will not continue to smoke, but I may smoke once in a blue moon.

Recently I started to save money for my house in next two years time, when I started to save, I know I will get my house definitely. This savings will be used for the furniture and the slight renovation fee. I will be applying a single BTO two rooms flexi flat on Dec 2021. This will be my final goal of my life. As I already accomplish my first two goal in life. One is to be boyish, the second one is to be muscular, and third one is a home and a cat. I make sure I accomplish my last goal.

While typing this blog, I can smell that awful cigarettes smell on my fingers, which makes me know that definitely I won't be smoking again anytime soon.

Last month I have saved $300 and I plan to save $300 every month and for the next two years total I will save $10,200.00. I am very determined about saving this amount and I will not let anyone to obstruct me even I am dating.

Ever since I quitted smoking, my health really improved a lot, and I am not going to let this one time slip be hooked for the rest of my life, especially this will also be a obstruction towards my savings of my goal.