Today I found out he had fun with many people..I was furious but I don't feel sad, I guess because this isn't a new thing to me. Again my controlling and possessive self appear, and I told him to block all this people who he had fun with and also tell him to text them we are attached. I did not cry at all, cos I experience this before. I just feel sad for myself that I couldn't find someone better after my first ex. But still comparing him to my last ex, I think my last ex is better at least he find mb with good quality, not like him anyone also can. Yes I do have feeling for him, else I won't ask him to block this people. But I guess my feeling wasn't that much else I would have cried, or maybe because I been through this too many times in my past relationships.
I think I really grew up alot. I am very proud of myself that I can handle my emotion better now comparing last year. I told myself never to cry again for relationship and I didn't. For me I love myself more like before. Everything now I think about myself first, especially after what I went through in life. Yes life is not easy, so I shouldn't let relationship become another problem for me. Tonight I will take sometime to absorb what happens today. Yes I know single is still the best for me with no emotional attachment. By right I shouldn't and wouldn't have emotional attachment to him. But then I did after his the first person who came from all the others potential. But after today my feelings faded alittle. I find that he has very low iq compare to normal people, his easily bullied and taken advantage of by people, but at the same time he likes attention and even more flirtatious then me. It's not that I mind his iq level, it's just that he still have fun with all the wrong people, and worst is that W C who he had fun with. And this W c guy can even tell me he doesn't care about what I said and will still continue have fun with him. I never see such thick skinned people before. Of cos I have my way not to let him contact him again. I did asked him will he be happy and he said he will cos he said I was the first person to be so concerned for him. But to me I let him make a choice, freedom or me and he chooses me. But the decision isn't up to him to decide, is up to me. Because I do not want history to repeat again and go thru such toxicity that makes me unhappy. Plus I don't know how to protect him if he continues to allow this people to take advantage of him. I don't know how to protect him from this people who ask him for money and also use him for pleasure. Yes I want to protect him but I am not sure how long I can.
I am glad I know one thing in life, which is magick, which is the only thing that comfort me and strengthen me.
